Did you ever wonder what it would be like if you weren’t you
If you were suddenly gone, how would your world react?
Whatever you imagined is wrong. There’s nothing romantic about death.
Grief is like the Ocean. It’s deep and Dark and bigger than all of us.
And pain is like a thief in the night. Quiet. Persistent. Unfair.
Diminished by time and faith and love.
-Haley from One Tree Hill
Five. Five years. That’s how long it’s been without you. Five years where I got married, moved to North Carolina, graduated college, had a baby, had another baby, and dreamed of doing it all with you. Dreamed you were there to help me pick out my wedding dress, to take the photo of me in my cap and gown everyone does with their parents, you would be on the other end of the phone listening to me cry at 3am when the baby wouldn’t sleep, you would be there with me getting me ready for the birth of my children. Dreams that I never got to live. Dreams that I’ll never get to live. Dreams that I pray my daughter will live with me.
Five years of life without you has been full of wonderful memories, but all with one little piece missing I never envisioned would be missing in my life. You. You are that one little piece that is never there. That one piece that would make all of these wonderful things complete.
I still have nightmares of this day five years ago. I still remember the phone call from Aunt Sally at 6am telling me to get to the hospital right away. I still remember watching you lay beside me and knowing in my head, today was the day. I hate that everything about that day is so fresh in mind, yet Christmas mornings or family outings feel so far away. Why is it every tiny little detail about the this day five years ago haunts me along with the day you told me you had cancer, or the times you would be so sick from treatments, but all of the happy memories feel like distant memories with only a small bit of detail left?
It hasn’t gotten any easier. Five years has only made things more difficult as we welcome Landyn into the world and then Lavery. It hasn’t made losing you any easier, but harder to know that you would be so proud. I still read the letters you wrote me sometimes and thank God everyday I have those, because then I can share them with Landyn and Lavery someday. I wish I had the chance to tell you how thankful I am for you to have done that, because those letters are now some of my most cherished possessions.
Five years. 1,825 days…….
…….. and I’m still missing you.